We often hear of millionaires being described as self-made, but seldom hear of self-made failures. It is natural to take credit for the good and blame fate or circumstances for a poor marriage.

Some people probably do get lucky in marriage. But, if we don’t get lucky by marrying a mythical soul-mate leading to bliss (and the myth is both misleading and dangerous) must we then live with a poor marriage or get divorced? Those are not attractive alternatives. Abundant research reports that happily married people generally live longer, make more money, have more successful children and are more fulfilled.

But is there a way that leads to a viable alternative to marital unhappiness or divorce?

There may be. First, absent spousal abuse, don’t think in terms of being a victim. Instead, think of yourself as having the power to do what it takes to achieve a good marriage. The benefits of a good marriage make such determined efforts worthwhile. The decision to take control and make your marriage successful has implications for all areas of your relationship. I have seen some marriage partners will themselves into saving a marriage when to all reasonable outside observers it was hopeless.

Let’s see how this might play out in one important area - poor marital communications. Instead of blaming your spouse, this approach would lead you to assume responsibility and take steps to improve the quality of your marital communication.

Deciding to take control of communication problems might force you to ask:

1. Am I raising this issue at the wrong time? Maybe I can’t get him to talk because I haven’t thought enough about when to talk.

2. Am I raising this issue in the right manner? Is there a better way to raise this?

(a) Am I speaking too loudly? If I spoke softer would that be less threatening?

(b) Am I making it appear that the issue is 100% his fault?

(c) Am I too tense to effectively raise the issue right now?

(d) Am I dealing with one issue at a time or am I driving him away by raising too many issues?

(e) Do I only want to talk when I have issues to raise? Maybe I should just go for walks with her. If we first relearn how to simply talk to each other, maybe we can later learn how to discuss issues without the roof flying off.

(f) Could I be less threatening? Might I suggest to him, “you know this thing has been bugging me for quite a while, do you think it would help if I (_________)? Can we work this out together?

(g) Am I making “I” statements or “You” statements? See the difference between the two in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-statement.

3. If I become a better listener maybe he will become more open. Listening is a skill that can be learned and improvement can lead to more rewarding communications. See https://www.boloji.com/individuality/06029.htm

(a) To listen better, remember that God gave you two ears and one mouth. Therefore, listen more than you talk.

(b) Get him to feel listened to. Regardless of how much he has wronged you in the past, he feels pain. Listening to him will reduce his pain. Usually, that will also reduce your pain and improve communication

(c). Don’t be defensive or he may stop talking. If he says something mean or insulting, you can choose not to respond. Just allow him to keep talking. If you can agree with something he says, then you might do so.

(d) If he really opens up, he may feel that you have changed drastically. If you try this several times, something major might happen. That something may be a miracle.

(3) Is he so deprived that he can’t listen? If you successfully filled his needs, he would likely want to and could more effectively discover and fulfill your needs. See Willard F. Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs or his website, www.marriagebuilders.com. Dr. Harley uses concepts of the Love Bank, emotional deposits - fulfilling important emotional needs, and withdrawals from the Love Bank to discuss how to create romantic love and marital happiness. His writings are worth reading and rereading so that the nuances and subtleties are fully understood.

(4) One person can make the difference in the whole marriage relationship. See Michele Weiner Davis and her books at www.divorcebusting.com. See also Susan Page and her excellent book How the One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together https://www.susanpage.com/allbooks.html). Both suggest that you become a detective and figure out how your actions affect your spouse and how you can improve a marriage through your own efforts. It takes insight and effort, but your efforts can effectively change the dynamics of your relationship.

(5) If you have religious convictions, you should ask that God’s Spirit fill you with love; give you patience, endurance and insight; rewarding you with a long and happy relationship. Certainly not all marriages can be “fixed” by one spouse. But, too many give up too soon because they don’t see a viable alternative.

There is a lot you can do to avoid becoming a victim of a bad marriage. Success may come slowly, but by reflecting and taking steps to positively affect the dynamics in your relationship you may be able to improve your marriage to where it can become a place of happiness and fulfillment. If your best efforts don’t meet with success, consider marital counseling. I have had clients who were ready to give up but a commitment to try counseling and make necessary changes made all the difference.

A significant handicap that can prevent progress is the refusal or inability to go first. We can change ourselves; it is difficult to change someone else. If you demand that your partner go first you may wind up in a power struggle. If both partners know things need to change, but they are waiting for the other to go first, there is no progress. It is easy to see the fault in others. The Bible speaks of seeing the speck in someone else’s eye, while not noticing the beam in one’s own eye (Matthew 7:3). Decide what steps you can take to show you are giving your spouse another chance. What can you do that signals a real change? Don’t assign blame for the current state of your marriage, assign responsibility only to yourself, in terms of what you can do to improve the situation. Your change will invite your partner to change. Anytime there is a relationship and one person changes, the dynamics change.

You efforts may lead to both insight and success. If they don’t, you can honestly look back knowing that you applied both your intelligence and your will. May your best efforts be amply rewarded.

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The above is not intended to serve as legal advice. You should consult an attorney.

Raymond J. Pater, Esq.
PATER LAW, PC
714 Michigan Ave, Ste B
Holland, Michigan 49423
(616) 396-8883

Copyright © 2012 by Pater Law, P.C. All rights reserved. You may reproduce materials available at this site for your own personal use and for non-commercial distribution. All copies must include this copyright statement.

Raymond J. Pater, Ottawa County Michigan Family Law attorney serving Holland, Zeeland, Grand Haven, Jenison, and the Lakeshore community.