COPING WITH DIVORCE
by Raymond Pater

Each divorce is different and thus it is important that you determine what follows applies to your circumstances. Even the best intentioned advice may be misplaced or even harmful, depending on the parties involved or the particular circumstances. And in some cases, emotional or psychological problems or conflicts are so pronounced that professional help is required or advised. With those limitations, the following is offered in the hope that it may be of some benefit.

Divorce is an emotionally charged experience because bright dreams have been shattered; love has soured and turned into something that is often ugly. Memories can create strong emotions and it is natural to feel some pain. The first step to recovery is to acknowledge the reality that divorce is painful. Seek professional help if the pain becomes unbearable. There is nothing wrong with going to a doctor for physical pain, just as there is nothing wrong with going to a counselor for pain caused by the divorce process.

Now may be the time to examine spiritual issues. Too often modern man lives as if the temporal and physical define life. The threat or reality of divorce may be the crisis leading you to a productive reevaluation of life's priorities. If you have spent too much time chasing after money, cheap thrills, or otherwise unrewarding sources of happiness, now may be the time to consider what really counts. A spiritual awakening may result. If you live in the Holland, Michigan area, I can provide you with referrals to spiritual counselors who would be happy to meet with you.

Recognize that the process of divorce has its high and low moments. There will be times when you feel like it is too much, other times you will feel that this is opening a new and better chapter in your life. The process may unexpectedly change course and you may be feeling fine and then something comes along and you again feel the pain. You should attempt to ensure that slowly, but steadily, you move in the right direction- toward a new life with low points that are not quite as severe.

Healing often happens indirectly or serendipitously. One way to reduce your pain is to reduce the pain of your divorcing spouse by making your spouse feel listened to. You do it, not out of debt, because you don't owe it to him or her. You may do it solely because it can be the right thing to do. In order to reduce the pain by listening, it helps to keep a few things in mind:

* God gave you two ears and one mouth. To effectively listen, remember that simple fact: two ears and one mouth. Therefore, listen more than you talk.
* Get your spouse to talk and make him/her feel listened to. Regardless of how much your spouse has wronged you in the past, your spouse feels pain. By listening you will reduce your spouse's pain and often your own. Do this because it is the thing you chose to do. You are taking control of your life.
* In order to keep your spouse talking, don't be defensive. If your spouse says something mean or insulting, don't respond. Just get your spouse to keep talking. If you can agree with something he or she says, then do so.
* If your spouse really opens up, he/she may feel that you have dramatically changed. If you learn and exercise the discipline of non-defensive listening, a miracle may result.

At the appropriate time and after having sorted through many sometimes contradictory feelings, examine what you can do to actively minimize the pain in the divorce process. You can choose to examine and attempt different coping mechanisms and psychological strategies intended to lead to increased health and happiness. In effect, you can choose to get on with your life.

Reaching the point when you can choose to be happy can be a haphazard product of time or it can be a product of choice whereby you choose to live in a psychologically healthy way. In any event, don't be too hard on yourself. Choosing to live in a healthy way doesn't mean that you won't occasionally do something stupid or counter-productive. You are aiming for improvement, not instant perfection.

Some divorces are much more painful than they need be. One way to increase the pain is by a subtle form of justification. After making a decision it is natural to search for and stress facts that support your decision. Psychologists refer to that as reducing cognitive dissonance - which in a divorce situation may mean repeatedly convincing yourself how bad or rotten your divorcing spouse really is. When those internal conversations go on too long, you can almost talk yourself into a depression or more commonly convince yourself that the marriage was much worse than it really was. In either event, you are not making things better. You don't need to justify your situation by making yourself miserable. Accept the fact that both you and your spouse made mistakes and sometimes did or said things that shouldn't have been done or said. But, the past is history, you are now living in the present and working towards a brighter future.

Another way to increase the pain is to feel too responsible. You are not responsible for your spouse's behavior and you shouldn't attempt to control what your spouse is thinking or doing. You are responsible to attempt to act in a manner that does not disgrace your name or make matters worse. If divorce is inevitable, let your spouse go and also let your anger or need to control go.

Some things simply need to be forgiven. When you are psychologically ready, you can choose to forgive. Sometimes forgiveness is not only right morally but also psychologically. As Lewis Smedes, the author of Forgive and Forget, Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, (Harper, 1986) points out, the failure to forgive often is more hurtful for the person who refuses to forgive than the person who has not been forgiven. The refusal to forgive and forget can lead to a destructive bitterness that can cause more pain for you than for your spouse.
Don't prolong your victim status. Today's popular culture elevates victims and thus it is natural to seek to be perceived as victims in as many situations as possible. Don't allow the victim label to poison your emotions and prevent you from some level of success and happiness. Just because your marriage wasn't eternally happy, doesn't mean that you must consider yourself a helpless victim that cannot overcome unhappiness.

Because your marriage was not a great success, doesn't mean that you will be a failure in all of life. That is a popular cognitive distortion that David M. Burns, in his book, Feeling Good, calls all-or-nothing thinking. It is related to the distortion of over generalization, which sees a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. Just because you are getting divorced doesn't mean your whole life is forever ruined. This too will pass.

Solely because your spouse may hate you, doesn't mean you have to hate yourself. You should attempt to take control of your emotions. As Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper point out in their book, A New Guide to Rational Living, dispute the belief that you must feel loved or accepted by every significant person. Reject the hypothesis that human misery gets externally caused and that you have little or no ability to control your feelings or self pity. Don't buy into the notion that you are not responsible for your own emotions. If you want to feel sorry for yourself, do so. But when you get ready to be happy, be happy or at least a little happier almost every day. That can only come about if you make the decision to turn forward and to make the best of a bad situation.

Simple physical exercise can be a refreshing temporary alternative to spending too much time considering your current situation. One psychiatrist once said that over 25% of all mental illness could be avoided with physical exercise and most people would agree that exercise can be therapeutic. An exercise plan does not have to be elaborate- a half hour walk per day can be a good start to both physical and mental health. Discover what works for you. Walking, bicycling, lifting weights, swimming, team sports, even being outside in the sunshine - find something that is distracting and that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Maybe a variety of the above is what will help keep you focused on something beside your divorce.

Following the above advice is sometimes not easy. You must choose the path toward happiness that works best for you. That may include a combination of reading good books, seeking psychological or spiritual counseling, vigorous exercise, listening to good music or joining a support group.

Something may have been mentioned earlier: When the whole process is over, remember you still must be able to look at your reflection in the mirror. Be sure that your behavior meets reasonable standards of morality and decency. Don't allow your emotions to cause you to do things that you will later regret. Codes of conduct and laws regulating behavior also apply when you are upset or disappointed. May God bless you as you attempt to do what is right.